It’s one of those nights that I can’t sleep.
I don’t have insomnia problems and usually is when things bother me or I have “xin shi” then I can’t sleep.

So many wounded sheep but yet the healthy sheep are not really doing much to help, not stepping out of their comfort zone. Seems to me that everyone is so self-centered and couldn’t care less. No emotional support, that’s what one wounded said.

There are so many things that I want to do but how can I achieve them when I feel so lonely fighting the battle on my own? Even when I have met the mature ones and there are certain things that I have addressed before but still I don’t see any change. Either I’m very bad at motivating, encouraging, inspiring people or they are simply not teachable?

Throughout this whole year, I felt so alone in taking the group and I never really felt that they supported me and with me all the way. Have I not given my time, support, care & concern and prayers? Have I not done enough? They don’t even initiate to meet me for a meal or drink, just to fellowship. Now, with a little one, I wonder how I’m going to cope and whether can I still continue? I’m really tired taking the group – no breakthroughs, no deep relationship, my heart is grieved.

Someone said to me, “Many people in this world are takers, rather than givers..” One person told me that he/she felt that whatever he/she has given is more than what he/she has received..Well, that’s what I felt too..Sometimes, I too feel that I have been taken for granted but what can I do when I’m a leader.

Would anyone of them know that I’m writing this blog in the early hours at 1.30am when I still need to feed the little one? Who really cares if I cry over the group?

I’m so tired, so disappointed, with no more motivation, no more fighting spirit, no more reason to continue on…I’m also a normal human being and there’s also so much that I can handle.

It’s the hearts of the people that really saddens me…

Took baby to a shopping mall yesterday for her first swim.

She frown a little when she was place in the water but gradually she begin to really enjoy herself, especially when she can “release” all her legs kicking power.

Finally,the fate of my department is decided and announced and the best part is I got to know about it via FB cos of my colleagues posting their status online. My boss didn’t even call me and tell me until I called yesterday.

Due to outsourcing of jobs to cheaper places,many of lost their jobs, not just in my department (mine is the last to know and they are leaving end of the month already). The other departments long knew about their fate like a few months ago & yesterday was the last day for 90% of them who got retrenched.

My department is small to begin with (2 admin,1 analysis & 4 approvers) and imagine we handle the whole bank’s mortgage volume. No perm headcount even at the peak of properties and all they give are contract staff. My 2 admin took the package, 1 of my fellow approvers took the package too. The other 2 approvers are being re-deployed to other department.

Actually,I was seriously looking forward and hoping that they will offer me the package cos is a lot of $$$. I briefly calculated & it defintely exceed S$35K. Imagine what I can do with it – one whole year of reno loan repayment is taken care of, baby’s one whole year of babysitter’s fees is being covered and I still have quite a bit to dump into the baby bonus CDA account with some to invest and some to save. I can still go on a short holiday with dear dear. ALAS! I’m not given the package! HR has re-deployed me to another department to do credit documentation and I seriously don’t really like it. I guess HR cannot retrench me cos I’m still on maternity and they can’t just leave me without a job and maybe is against the law.

I think not many people look “forward” to being retrenched like me, especially in economic downturns like this. But I’m confident that I be able to find greener pasture and I really want to get out of that dreadful place.

The only good thing about this change is I will no longer be in consumer banking as I be handling SME & Wholesale banking stuff,which adds credential to my resume and it adds value to my experience (makes it easier in future to go into corporate banking). And it probably means that the chance of having a better pay is also slightly higher.

With the change,it means I need to adjust to a new environment, wonder how the new boss & colleagues are like,whether I be able to cope and handle the new job scope and whether can I leave on the dot (cos need to fetch baby home).

I’m still upset that the package is not offered to me

In my earlier blog, I said that one main purpose of doing a side-line is to increase income for the family. I guess the other reason is probably for me to explore my creativity. But the main push factor is still the $$$. I need to start something with low costs (or zero costs is even better).

With Inez being added into the family and the cost of having a nanny soon, it means that no more savings at the end of the month. When I received my pay, it will also mean “pay and pay”. No more shopping (not as if I’m a shopaholic) but that means I cannot get new working clothes anymore or a decent pair of shoes for work.. No more facial and massage for me. No more good food (even though is only occasionally that we dine at better places). I felt that I’m walking on tight rope and any additional expenses is going to add on to the burden. Everything now is calculating costs and save (if we can even save in the first place). I hope that this kind of life will not have to continue for long.

God, I want a new job too that pays me at least 30% more than my current.

There used to be a old Cantonese song that goes, “Why, why, tell me why?”

Sometimes when baby cries, both daddy & mummy has this habit of asking her, “Baby,why? What’s wrong?” It’s a habit that we unknowingly seem to have. As I write about this blog, is kinda funny cos baby won’t be able to answer our question. Haa…It be great if she can answer..Hee…

As I stayed at home and laze around occasionally (when baby is asleep), I have been thinking of starting a side line to increase income for the family. The thing is I do not really have a clear idea what I want to do, what are my strengths and how to go about it. Of course it has to be something that I am interested in and/or have a passion for but it cannot take up too much of my time since I will still have a full-time job + I still need to take care of baby even when I go back to work in Feb & I still need to continue taking CG.

I only have a vague idea to either do something related to parenting, babies and/or wedding coordinator.

Selling baby stuff – need a lot of research and contacts
Parenting advice/workshop – hmm???
Wedding coordinator – can do online and provide a service???

Any ideas?

Recently, Inez has this habit of stretching herself during feeding. Usually, it has always been that she will stretch herself after feeding where she’s full and satisfied after the feed. Then we will burp her and put her back to the cot to KO and fall asleep.

Mummy has a “tug of war” with her these 2 days on some feeds when she’s latch on. She will drink halfway and suddenly keep waving her hands and legs, then she will keep coming out and going in to the nipples. When she can’t get milk milk cos of her struggling and “kick-boxing” in the air, she will start to whine and cry abit. When Mummy tried to guide her to the nipple after she latch off, she will keep banging her head agst the nipples cos she “kan cheong”, as if someone is going to take away her milk milk.

Even if Mummy hold her head when she’s latch on, she still has the ability to break free and start her “kick-boxing” action again. My girl simply can’t seem to keep still, super active.

Swift has been serving us faithfully for the last 3 years and has been through the ups and downs in our life. Like an old saying goes, all good things must come to an end. Due to the new addition (little Inez) in the family and the new schedule that all of us have to get used to from next year onwards, we have to “ren tong” and say Sayonara to our beloved Swift.

Swift is a good car but it can’t continue to serve us any longer. Though we found it a new owner, we really hope that the new owner will take good care of it, just like us. Though I really like the sound system in Swift but have no choice but to let the new owner have it too cos Dear Dear say bo bian.

Much as we are excited to see Rio and how it’s going to serve us, nothing will beat Swift for the moment (though Swift is not my dream car). In less than a week’s time, we have to bid farewell to the red little car that has brought us to countless “park toh” dates, late nights of sending us home, took us to Malacca and the endless fun, laughter & joy with our families and friends.

I have always like cars in red color but Rio is going to be “green with envy”. The good thing about Rio is it has a big boot space, which fits into our lifestyle and the price is within our budget. Dear Dear like the fact that is a manual car too (saves petrol as compared to auto cars). There goes my dream of having an auto car (though I learned driving using manual car but my license is 10 yrs old & I have driven < 5 times). Since is manual, we have agreed that Dear Dear will fetch me to work after we drop Inez at her babysitter place. In the meantime, I will start refreshing my driving with Rio (cos Swift's clutch is "harder" and Dear Dear says that Rio may be easier for me since clutch not so tight).

Will really missed the sweet little red car that everyone is so familiar with.. Surprisingly, I didn't miss our first car – white Mazda 121 as much (probably cos we only had it for 1 yr).

From now onwards, I think going back to Lavender (my parents place) for dinner is going to be a Sunday ritual cos Gong Gong and Po Po want to see little Inez.

Yesterday after dinner, we went to check out the latest shopping mall who claimed to be the first eco-friendly mall – City Square Shopping Mall. The mall is big and they have lots of restaurants (Soup Restaurant, Manhattan Fish, Swensen, Anderson Ice-cream, Pizza Hut, Breeks, Coffeebean, etc, etc) and almost all the fast food chain like Mac, KFC, BK, Long John are all there.

Metro is the anchor department store. How can Charles & Keith not be planted there? Oh, B2 sells all the baby stuff and we are happy to see Tom & Stefanie there too. According to Daniel & Janet, the baby stuff they sell there are slightly cheaper than Kiddy Palace or Mothercare. I think Tom & Stefanie will fall under my one of my fave shop soon. There are other shops but I simply can’t remember their names.

And how can NTUC not have a foothold in this latest shopping mall too? Fight with Mustafa.. hahaaa..

I guess sooner or later, this shopping mall will be one that we will go often after our weekly Sunday dinner (especially when they have NTUC).

Ever since baby Inez arrived, I find myself looking at those supermart ads more and more often when I flipped the papers.

Whenever there is sale or promotion in the different supermart, I will zoom in and see if there is any milk powder promotion. Although she’s breastfed in the day time, we do give her formula in the night time.

This zooming in on the supermart ads seem to really signify to me that I’m really stepping into a different season of my life – motherhood and being a good part-time homemaker too. The good thing is both dear dear and I love grocery shopping and we can shop in those big hypermart for 2 hrs.